I remember when I was a single mom and how the thick of that felt. I can remember the feeling when Case wasn’t with me; how unnatural it felt. I remember putting the bouncer in the bathroom and jumping from behind the curtain. I remember letting Case sleep with me so I was never off guard. I remember late night Kroger runs, and gas station trips, because there wasn’t someone at home. 

I used to cry about the other moms who were able to make car rider. The moms who got to go on the field trips. The mothers who were never 5 minutes until closing to pick up their baby. I remember a 3/2 split, and clothes strewn from here to there. 

I remember praying for the life that I have now. 

Now, I’m the mom that has the luxury to stay at home. I didn’t choose this path, but the doors to any other path kept closing; slamming. I’m the chauffeur; the laundress, the cook and cleaner. I’m always the first one to rise, and the last one to shower. I used to drive, at length, alone, and now I ride with two car seats. Car rider line consists of snacks, cocomelon, and baby Einstein. 

No one prepares the heart for what that transition feels like. How could I complain about things I have longed for? How could I put into words that I felt I had lost every part of myself; who I was. I went from evaluating patients needs and wants to struggling to assess my own needs and wants. 

I felt my IQ dropping with a lack of mental stimulation. There wasn’t an intelligent, intelligible conservation, or word in sight. Cocomelon and Baby Einstein lived rent free in my home, my car, the shower, my nightmares. I missed old people. I missed sitting at the feet of someone wiser than me. I missed so much of what I thought God created me for. 

I broke down a couple of weeks ago, and just fell to my knees. I assumed a prostrate position and just asked God if He saw me. 

“I know I’m nothing but ordinary, and I know there’s nothing special about me, but I’m sad. I feel like a wallflower in my home. I feel like I make zero difference. I can’t see my purpose.”

It’s a human part of me that I dialogue with God. I know I can’t see Him, but I know He’s there. But, I also know that I’m insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I’ll never be a David, or a Moses, and I’ll never be a Mary. So, sometimes when I dialogue – I feel in between the “He sees and hears everything,” and “your life is not your own. Your feelings don’t matter. His will be done.”

I hope that reads as I intend.

Fast forward to a word He sent straight to me….. today. 

Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suited to him.”

First of all, as soon as I read that I was like: well, here it is. You cook, clean, be submissive, run those kids, smile, workout, and do it with grace. I was so unwell. I mean…. No!!!!! I was born to literally just help everyone in this house??? Who is my helper!?!!? 

And then…. My inquisitive little mind (the mind that I thought was never stimulated) found that the Hebrew word used in this verse for “helper” is ezer, which means someone who plays a critical role in someone else’s life. 

The word “ezer” is used 16 times to describe God as a protector and helper to Israel. 

Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. 

I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth

O house of Israel, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield.

O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield.

You who fear him, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield.

One would never describe God as second to Israel. One would never say God’s help and aid to Israel wasn’t absolutely necessary and needed. One would never claim God subservient to Israel. Almost all would say God’s love for Israel knew no bounds. 

Ezer. 

Women were never created to serve the man; the house, but to serve with the man for the house. Without women, men are only half of the story. God didn’t create women as an afterthought, or an optional adjunct to a self-sufficient, independent man. God clearly states that without her, the man is “not good.” 

I wondered…. What way would he need a partner? He didn’t need clothes washed considering he didn’t wear clothes. His food was provided for in the garden, so he didn’t need someone to cook his meals. He didn’t need a housekeeper since there was no physical home. So what did he need in that moment? 

God’s intention for me and my house is to steward His creation. God is a help against foes, a deliver, a shield, a savior, a strength, a power, and a sword for His people. God is my ezer; my helper; my rescuer; my protector. Faithfulness in the ordinary changes the world; hearts of men. Lord, make me a wallflower for Your kingdom, Your glory, and Your will be done.