Whenever I think back to my “moments with God” and how those moments felt- I come to the same feeling: peace. The moments vary from pure joy to pure agony; sadness. The birth of my children are those moments where I’ve felt Him the most. But, I want to pretend to be Mary for a moment, and I want to experience her moments with God, and evidently where she met Him most. 

An angel of the Lord appears and it’s nothing of this world. I don’t know if I feel frightened, shocked or even disillusioned that my brain is registering what I’m seeing. It’s nothing of this world, yet when He speaks- I feel calmness; familiarity I can’t explain. He speaks to my soul as if another commands his very words. 

His news is shocking and most definitely confusing considering my virtue. I feel peace knowing this is His will, but my heart is heavy. How does this work? What will my small town think? What of Joseph? There isn’t a man honorable enough to believe that I would carry a child without having laid with another. The plausibility of such just doesn’t exist. 

I remember the first butterflies of baby kicks, flips and flutters. The same Creator of the butterfly grows in my belly. I can navigate the tiny hands and feet as they kick my ribs and bladder. The Creator of my very heart hears it from the inside. The wild exchange of power that I am to feed Him, and His purpose will feed my soul. 

How can someone like me be worthy of such a treasure. 

The man God chose to walk this road with me is second to none. The same angel appeared to him, and since then, his heart has warmed to me. A coldness I never thought I would feel at no choosing of my own. But, what is a life lived without a Christ-driven purpose? 

In my heart, I know if my road is this hard, and my heart feels this heavy- I can’t imagine the weight my boy will feel. I wonder how the decision to become so vulnerable came to be. I wonder how God knew all along that the ransom of the world would be formed in a mother’s womb. I wonder how God knew I would obey and lay down my own cross to take up this one. 

I imagine while rubbing a baby belly, no one ever thinks of the worst death imaginable for their innocent angel. Herod hunts Him with vengeance and a mind that’s tainted by the purest of evil. Herod hunts Him because he fears Him. I get anxiety of it all. I remember the angel and his words. 

It wasn’t a surprise that there was no room at the inn. We didn’t have money, and my condition wasn’t on anyone’s to do list. But, the will of the Lord in the jungle is better than anywhere outside of it.

I wonder who He will look like? Am I really going to see the face of God? This seems unfathomable, but I see my growing belly, and I feel movement that isn’t my own.  I love this child so much, and I’ve never met Him. 

I have to share Him with this cruel world, and worse…. I have to give Him to it, at some point. I don’t know what that means for me; for Him. I know the will of the Lord and the spoken coming of the Messiah.  But, I don’t know what that plan looks like, and I’m sure I won’t until it’s time. 

I didn’t think He would come this way. I mean the Messiah as a baby? And I never dreamed I would find favor in God. 

I don’t even remember the labor, the bed of straw, or the animals there. I remember my touch hushed your cries. I remember smelling your hair and the softness of your skin. My eyes couldn’t hold back tears as I watched ten fingers and ten toes. Your eyes looked at me with a love I can’t explain. The love of my whole life. You loved me so much. 

We wrapped you in swaddling clothes, and made a crib for you out of a manger. Your earthly dad is skilled in woodwork. We made sure it was as cozy as possible. The animals nestled near you, keeping you warm, and basking in your existence. It’s as if they knew they sat at the feet of the One who would walk on water. 

I nursed you all night; listening to your coos and sounds that could soothe the sea. I held tiny hands and kissed tiny temples. I made memories of how small you were. I stared at you in awe wondering what I had done to deserve such a love. 

And then I realized….. His perfect love has no bounds, no conditions, and no limits. The way I love this baby is the way my Father loves me. He soothes my cries. He kisses my temples and holds my hands. His voice calms every storm in my life. 

Born in a manger from a throne you left; a life of a servant you always led. A love story so precious, no one could compare. The birth of a baby for the world to share. Christmas Day is more than gifts, lights, trees, and things. Christmas Day is the birth of a King.