Have you ever looked at your “big kid” and a small glimpse of them reflects that small child you remember? They do or say something and suddenly you’ve had a dejavú moment. The tiny voice and hands they used to have forever etched in your memory.

The ache of my heart reaching for hands that are closer to my hand size than those of little people.

The little boy that longs to be with his buddies, when you remember him longing to go everywhere with you.

The bathroom. The want and need to be anywhere you are; just with you.

The bed. “Can I sleep with you tonight”?

How I wish I could snuggle that small boy all over again.

In retrospect, God gave me the sweetest bond. The one with just me and him. The apartments with just two rooms; mine and his. The grocery list of just our favorite things.

Ramen noodles.

I remember being so broke as a single mom. I worked paycheck to paycheck. So, towards the end of my check- we would eat Ramen noodles.

I would “dress” them up with cheese and spices and tell Case we were eating pasta.

I made it sound so expensive. We would clink our glasses together and “cheers!”

When my heart would break because of how broke I was, he would look at the ramen noodles and say, “Mama, we are eating fancy tonight!” He’s always softened the blows of my guilt with his never-ending grace and goodness.

He was the brightest light during my darkest days. His little eyes would slant from smiling so big, with a toothless grin, and freckles from ear to ear with a southern drawl on each vowel. My beautiful boy.

He gave me that same look the other day. The look where his eyes got lost in his smile, and a face full of freckles. . A face that looks more and more like a little man instead of the baby I knew.

I have to beg him for pictures now and used to…. He wanted to be in every frame with me. I don’t get to pick the haircuts anymore. I’m not the first one he runs to in a room. And most days I have to beg him for conversation.

I remember days of wanting silence. How that stings my soul now.

God knew my heart needed JUST Case at a time that I would always cherish now that it’s gone. The nights of just he and I would mean more to me than I ever could imagine.

I’m so jealous of his buddies. I’m jealous of the time I don’t get anymore. How I’ll have to settle for the fleeting moments of being a “fan girl” to someone that used to think I was the only girl in the world. I’ll never be “my sweet, beautiful love” to the little boy that wrecked my heart in the best way.

I don’t know how Heaven will be, but my heart longs for God to give me one more day of my boy little. One more day of knowing who he is, and getting to meet him all over again for the first time. The first steps. The first word. The first laugh. The first time he said “I love you.”

No one tells you how fleeting and powerful those small words will be until you beg to hear them. You never imagine begging them- “say it one more time.” You never imagine they will grow past your waist until they do.

I miss it all. I miss looking for monsters. I miss superhero costumes. I miss watching Spider-Man. I miss little underwear in the wash; tiny socks. I miss “Mama, are you watching me”?

I miss our songs. I miss playing games, and snacks in bed.

But, most of all….

I miss ramen noodles.