I’ve never been publicly honest about what I’m writing. Which is odd considering I’m an open book; the “what you see is what you get” type of personality. I’ve shared this struggle with my close friends, my family, my co-workers, and even a few strangers. I’ve had conversations with God that go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

The spectrum of an unwanted pregnancy to infertility.

I was 23 years old, and going into my last year of OT school when I found out I was pregnant with Case. I took nineteen tests. Nineteen praying for a negative one. I had never experienced true despair, or shame, before that moment. I remember praying that God would take care of “things” so I wouldn’t have to wear my scarlet letter for the world to see. I would go on to break my Mother’s heart when I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.

I still remember that feeling when I told her. She had never been disappointed in me before then. It broke my heart to break hers.

I remember right before I found out I was pregnant, I prayed for God to send me the man He had for me; my true love. I knew Case was a boy long before they told me after that prayer. God sent me the purest, and truest forms of love in the shape of a baby. I remember crying to my belly wishing I had made better choices. Choices that aligned with my integrity. I remember longing to give him things I couldn’t; a family.

Case and I would go on to raise one another. We would graduate school, get our first job, and eventually buy our first house. We would go on weekly dates, and stay up late making nests watching movies together. He would grow me and mold me more than any human ever has. He would change the trajectory of my life and weed out the people that didn’t deserve to be there.

Becoming Case’s mom was the hardest and most rewarding part of my life. He changed me from the inside out. He instilled an intentional value in me for my time spent, and who I spent it with. Experiencing true love like that was a necessary part of my pruning. God was getting me ready for more than just motherhood. He was readying me for my Boaz.

When I met Jason I had never met anyone like him. In truth, I don’t think there’s a person that compares to him and his goodness. He is all the things I had never dated. He was a man of few words with a dry sense of humor. He was laid back and easy going. He was kind, patient, respectful, and intentional.

We dated and got married, and did things the right way. It felt so good; so honorable. We tried for a solid year to have a baby of our own. It was strange wishing and praying for something that I had once wished and prayed away. A moment that I never thought I would be faced with. Infertility.

It broke my heart when I had to tell him that my uterine lining was too thin for any embryo to attach. I was on pins and needles that it would hurt his feelings, or worse, anger him. How could I tell this man I loved, the man I did things right with, that I couldn’t give him a child? I mean he married a single mom.

I wasn’t going to be able to give him or even myself that moment I had longed for. The moment where you’re surprised and excited and you tell your family. You take all the tests and you record the videos. Instead, if we wanted a child together- I would have to go through IVF. We would have to dish out unseemly amounts of money, time, and heartache just at the chance to conceive.

And there I was…

Praying stark contrast prayers ten years apart. Prayers that were unanswered ten years ago while I was begging for Mother Nature to intervene. Prayers ten years later begging for God to give me a baby. The guilt I felt was unimaginable. How could God grant me this when ten years ago I begged for another outcome? I’m so happy He doesn’t work like we do.

Jason and I would go on to start our IVF journey. We would retrieve 32 eggs. He would give me shots every morning at 7 am, and I would pass out 3 different times from them. We would have scares of unexpected bleeding, and a lot of rushing to the doctor to check on the baby.

Our girl would break my water 5 weeks early, and we would finally get to meet her! Someone we longed for, and tried for, for so long. Someone we endured unimaginable trials just at the chance to meet. She was nothing short of pure perfection. God’s testimony of His love for us.

Oh how precious her first cry was…. How I had longed for Jason to get to experience the pregnancy and birth of his own child. How I was so grateful to God despite how hard it was for me to get here. How I learned to lean into His perfect love of taking fertility from me.

I would often tell myself,” He knows your heart. He knows you would worry so much, and this way you won’t worry. This way you know the baby is normal, healthy. You get to know what this baby is and you don’t have to wait. He knows you’re Type A, and He’s giving you your heart’s desire in a whole other way.”

When you wrap your mind around the inability to conceive naturally, you just lean into that truth. You make it your own. You accept what you cannot change, and learn to see the blessing for what it is. A blessing. It doesn’t matter how you got it- the point is you have it.

So what happens when God is not finished with you? What happens when the mindset you’ve become accustomed to changes on a dime? What happens when the love you’ve leaned into becomes a full circle moment taking you back to the beginning. The beginning of trusting that He knows the plans He has for you. His plans to prosper you; plans to not harm you.

Four tests was all it took. Two with two lines, and two with digital “pregnant” readings. The shock, overstimulation, borderline confusion, and overwhelming gratitude started to sink in. I was going to have my moment in time. The surprise videos, the shock to Jason, to my parents, the wonders of His love. I was pregnant unintentionally and naturally. Almost 12 years later from my very first shock and surprise.

It’s no secret I’m a pessimist. I call myself a realist, but the truth is, I brace myself for the worst impact. Perhaps that’s because I’m familiar with that story more times than not. I feared day in and day out that my age had an effect on this baby. I would pray for God to show signs that this baby was healthy. He made me wait on Him.

When I saw that this baby was in perfect health, I felt so ashamed at the doubt I had in my Father. He’s never once allowed something to happen that wasn’t for my benefit; my blessing. I’ve known from the first positive test that He was in every detail of this. He created this perfect gift from above, and thought me worthy of it. My heart can’t take His goodness and faithfulness.

The Lord took my baron womb and made me a testimony to His endearing love for me; my family; my husband. He gave me the desires of my heart that I thought were lost. I can’t even put into words how much love I feel from Him. His reckless love for me brings tears to my eyes.

If I tried to count the ways He’s blessed me, I would run out of numbers. When I think about His goodness, the details of His marvelous work, I’m just in awe. How He could take a single mother like me, and work this perfect love story. How He used my children, my babies, to show Himself to me time and time again. How He redeemed my broken heart with my children and my Boaz.

It makes me think of how He took another single mother, and changed the trajectory of this world. How He used the most random, undeserving people in the lineage of Christ. People that, by the standard of the world, weren’t worthy to be in the same room at Christ; much less in His family tree. How Joseph loved Mary, and a son that wasn’t His. The details of His work help me draw a parallel to my own life; struggles; mistakes; blessings.

It’s like it was yesterday, I was praying for a miracle. I was scared to have a little hope. Now looking back today, seeing all the things You’ve done- I can’t even add them up. One, two, three…. up to infinity! I’d run out of numbers before I could thank You for everything. Father, on this side of Heaven, I know that I’ll run out of time. But, I will keep counting my blessings….. knowing I can’t count that high.

Merry Christmas!!

Baby Boy Hursh due June 2024 💙